Silent, no more!

David Isaiah Beckley was my husband, he lied about loving me, he never honored his vows, he drank way too much, he became violent and cruel on so many occasions to me and towards others. His attorney threatened to sue me for defamation recently for writing about the abuse I faced while being with him. David blamed me for everything, he stonewalled me. If I made a mistake, he would completely ignore me-go to his mom’s house, not help with money, not see or talk to me- sometimes this went on for weeks or months at a time. He stonewalled each and every attempt I made at talking about things, trying to work things out or communicate. He lied about everything-going to therapy, his relationships with other women, being sorry for hurting me, getting sober and caring about me. It was all lies.

David raped me in November of 2018 at our apartment. He was drunk. When I attempted to speak to him about it he called me a slut, ignored me or told me I was a liar. He claims he doesn’t remember raping me even though he sent me a text message a few months before the assault, threatening to rape me and sent me texts after apologizing for and admitting it. I felt so lonely and sad. I tried to convince myself it didn’t happen or that it was okay. I told myself to be quiet about it, to protect him from legal trouble, to just deal with it. To just act like it never happened. That did not work out so well. It created deep craters of pain, anger and resentment inside of me. It began to break apart who I was.

I began to believe all the names he called me. I began to believe everything really was my fault. If only I wasn’t in a pissy mood, then he wouldn’t have called me a fucking bitch, or a cunt, he wouldn’t have ignored me for days. If I wasn’t a fucking bitch then he would have come to my sisters funeral with me. I must be controlling to ask him to come get his dog and I who are stranded after work instead of run with his buddy, he’s, right, that was controlling. How could I expect that? I was as bitch. How could I think he’d come see me when I am sick and help me instead of going paragliding? That was so controlling of me, thats what I would tell myself after he yelled at me or called me names. I began to feel as though reasonable requests were wrong and I was in the wrong to expect my husband to put me first or to ever be there for me. Like he said the day my sister died, I was on my own and I needed to leave him out of it. He wanted to be left alone and only be my husband when he wanted to be, otherwise, I was alone. The abuse challenged everything I believed about marriage and it left me feeling so bad about myself. Whatever little self esteem I did have, was gone. He would say to me, “If you were normal, I wouldn’t be violent.” I started to feel like the problem was me and me alone.

David has a very unhealthy dynamic with his mom, he lives with her and always returns to her house when he cannot handle things, its like his castle, where he is protected and no one can touch him or talk to him, even his wife. His mom has him locked up so tight there, that once he’s there, you cannot get him out of there. The morning my sister died, his mother called my father’s office and demanded proof my sister was dead. Of course this would upset anyone, seeing as this is abnormal and hurtful behavior. When I expressed to his mother how awful what she did was, of course, David took her side. How dare I talk to his mom like that? Absolutely zero acknowledge of what she did, it was all my fault and I was in the wrong. David constantly deals with his mom’s drinking and erratic behaviors when she is drunk. It’s a terrible scene and it only serves to encourage his drinking and abusive behavior. She rattles off insults to him when she is drunk, she does crazy things to him and others and she protects David’s poor behaviors at any cost. Some days I would be welcomed into the house with David and other days I wouldn’t be and I would have to sit in his truck outside and wait for him. I never knew when I was welcomed or when I was hated. It was insane. David never stood up for me or for our marriage and he allowed his parents to treat me as though I was less than human. I began to feel so lost and worthless because that’s how he treated me.

I am not looking for sympathy or anything else, I’m just releasing it all off of my heart and in doing so I hope I can start to heal and maybe help others find their courage to leave. I’ve spent long enough feeling broken and sad. I wish I could say that I didn’t love him anymore, but, that would be a lie.

Below is a document off of my phone notes app citing the abuse I faced, the names he called me, the things he did to me. I began documenting it in 2018 as a record for myself to try and give me the courage to leave. I didn’t leave then, but, I did recently.

Dumb Cunt
Crazy
Weird
Bitch
Horrible person
Says Why would anyone want me
Tells me I have little girl wants and ideas
He says I make him do what he does, it’s my fault
Says he can’t do anything without drinking
Says that I am Psycho
Ugly
Fat
Slut
Insecure
Needy
Piece of shit
Liar
Fuck you
Psycho
Go fuck someone else
I hate you
Tells me that i make him drink
Calls me a pussy when I say that I’m scared of him when he drinks and how he talks to me
Pathetic
Stupid
Tells me to just get over it when I tell him something that bothers me or hurts me

My anxiety is so bad, I can’t sleep or eat and my nights and days are miserable. I’m filled w so much shame being w him. I’m not perfect, but he’s awful when he drinks, 10 beers tonight, says it’s not a big deal it’s just beer.

He tells our intimate business and issues to everyone. I’m not safe confiding in him

He humiliates me in front of other friends when they are over at our place

He mocks me and laughs at me

Tells me he wants to take care of me and that it’s okay that I’m not working right now, then throws it in my face and uses it against me. He shames me all the time

I tell him to be quiet late at night so our neighbors don’t hear us and he tells me to shut the fuck up or says fuck you

Said he’s so angry he wants to hurt me
He says I am deeply disturbed and I’ll probably kill him in his sleep. When I ask him if he thinks he’s disturbed, he says no!

He patronizes me
He laughs at me
He doesn’t show me he cares, blows me off when I want to talk, says leave me the fuck alone. He says he cares but doesn’t really show me.

Records me
Slams bedroom door at night waking up and screaming it’s so fn hot.

Sexually assaulted me, have video recording

He makes me feel uneasy and anxious, I cant bring up any issues with him! He will ignore me, blame me, or attack me.

He said that Everyone in my family knew I was a pos.
He called me a Fat ass
Threatens to leave all the time
When I tell him he is acting crazy, he says you haven’t seen crazy yet.
Grabs my jacket and gets in my face

Fat fuck
Grabbed my hair and hit my head against the cabinet at my parents house
Left and got drunk and came back to my parents house
Called me a worthless pos
Never wants to talk and tells me to just get over it
Condescends me all the time
Points his finger in my face
Tells me to look at him, fn look at me
Said this isn’t bad yet, I’m not cutting your throat or something
Says I shouldn’t listen to his mom when she tells me that he isn’t like his dad

12/7/18
Called me a Cunt, psycho
Says He’s w me because he feels sorry for me
Says we should break up that he doesn’t want me
Contradicts everything he says, I don’t know what to believe
Hurt Zoroaster Thursday night out on a walk and then attacked me verbally about it when I calmed Zoroaster down after he ran into my arms because he was scared
Blame shifting
Ignoring me
Silent treatment
Name calling
Making me seem unstable to his family so I look like the bad one
Not apologizing for things
Says sex w me is not good
Dismissing my feelings and thoughts
Always is “tired” when I want to talk

Said I have no self respect because I stay with him

I am not allowed to ask him questions or he’ll attack me

Left me at the movie theater, blamed me for having to spend money to get home from the theater and the movie tickets.

12/12/18

I’m the shittest girlfriend
I’m selfish
Tonight we took a drive out near Faye Canyon and he was drinking, he was driving crazy, carelessly. He says it doesn’t matter because we are on a dirt road. He slid almost hitting a tree. It scared me so much, I got out of his truck and walked all the way home, while he drove alongside of me most of the way saying mean things and taunting me.

Then he said I was a pussy because I got scared when he almost hit a tree

He Grabbed my sides under my chest and pushed me against the wall in between the bedroom and bathroom doors, left red marks on my skin, in pics!

Thursday this week

He was so nice at Bashas though he was very drunk. Started to verbally abuse me when we got home- lazy fat fuck, selfish.
Took my phone from me, pushed me twice. Left. I called police. Then he said he almost ran into my 4runner and that he didn’t feel bad for putting his hands on me. Ignored me all Friday

12/15/18
Continues to ignore me, but said via text that I have never done anything for him and that I am selfish. Said he can’t be around me because it’s not safe, he’s the one who drinks and is abusive. Ignores the fact that Zoroaster needs food. And ignores me even though he knows it hurts me. Amazing still no apology for pushing me or what he did! It’s nuts!! Came home super drunk after driving across town and had a breakdown crying for hours. Told me he was gay!

12/22
Said he wanted to Light me on fire
Moron
Fat ass
Lazy
I am a witch
Kicked me, but then said, he didn’t and if he had I’d be in the hospital
Worthless
Said I was Entitled
Ignored me
Got very drunk (13 beers)
Said I’ve no work ethic
Told me my family wouldn’t care if I died
Asked me how far I wanted to walk tonight, then said, I won’t kick you out of the truck here 🙂 like it was funny
Told me I was so messed up, so fucked up he said this while he was driving completely intoxicated and emotionally abusing me and I was sitting in his truck trying not to say the wrong thing, being quiet! He says he isn’t fd up and has no issues.

He said I was lazy and bitches about me not working, when he convinced me not to because he said he wanted to take care of me, now he shamed me for his choice

Mocked my suicide attempt and said it Fd up my brain.

Very loud and drunk late at night and I am worried about the neighbors complaining, he says fuck the neighbors and continues to play his loud music on his phone.

Said he’d like to light me on fire

12/23

Bitch
Got in my face and yelled at me demanded I apologize for something I didn’t do
Drinking nonstop
On his phone nonstop when we are trying to play a game together- stood up got in my face and dumped the scrabble board over
Grabbed my leg while demanding an apology
Stupid

Tried to set boundaries with him and tell him how mean he was being, how much he was hurting me- he laughed at me, told me to get the fuck out of our apartment, get the fuck out of his face even though I was sitting on the bed, he said that my fat ass should leave him. That I suck! He’s beyond terrible! It’s hell living w him!

Choked me and told me to leave our apartment- neck is red- there are pics of my neck, after he choked me I was shaking and crying because I was so scared, he said to stop acting like a child, stop shaking. I am an adult and this is life.
My throat and neck hurt

12/24
Didn’t apologize for choking me, he said he didn’t when I told him what he did.
Spent the day without me, said he didn’t want to be around me because I suck.
Said he had to go get me a stupid gift
My neck still feels very sore
I hate you
Don’t want to be w you
Rather be In jail than w you
I wouldn’t be violent if you were normal
Said he isn’t paying rent anymore

7/2019
Blew me off when my sister died
Fucking cunt
Bitch
Ignores me
Breaks each and every promise since we got married
Terrible husband
Attacks me verbally and psychically all the time
Blames me for everything
I’m fn psycho for wanting him to come to Martha’s funeral w me
Never once asked me how I was when my sister died
Didn’t even come over and be w me when I found out, blew me off and said I was on my own
Drinking again
Says he’ll fix my car but doesn’t
Financial abuse, promises to help me w money then attacks me and says I should ask my dad for money. wastes money and lies about it so we don’t have money for a place or important things.
Uses my credit card but doesn’t help pay for it
Told me to quit my job and not go to fire, said he’d take care of me but then mocks me and is mean to me about not working.
Says I’m worthless and lazy and too good to work
Makes fun of my depression
Told me to quit Mick’s and focus on getting side work then he won’t go do bids
Won’t give me access to his bank info or money

Refused to come to the ER on 6/30/19 said I was lying and then came after few hours and was so so mean to me
Gas lights me
Ignores me, I can’t ever rely on him or trust him
He’s not ever there for me
Was terrible to me when Martha died, completely blew me off and refused to come to the funeral w me
His crazy mom called my dads office and demanded a pic of Martha’s dead body
Called me a Fn slut
Called me a fn Cunt, worthless, ugly and fat
Punched me bruised my arm
Punched my car by gas tank dented it
Drinking so much and saying awful things to me
Mocked and laughed at me when I try to talk about when he sexually assaulted me.
Tell me to get out of his fn truck and if I pass out he doesn’t care he’ll run me over
Blows me off for Xmas
Blows me off for new year’s
Lies to me about drinking
Blows Zoroaster and I off when we need help so he can run w a friend, Zoroaster and I walk the highway home.
Blows off our anniversary
Blows off Valentine’s Day
Calls me terrible names, mocks me, makes me feel so alone and of no value
Refuses to talk to me
Says he hopes I get Coronavirus and throws a gallon of water at me bruising my lower back.

5-8-20

Pushed me and hurt my neck while I was walking away from his truck.
Called me names
Blew off another pregnancy
Drinking and ignoring me
Lying to me about work
Lying to me about go to counseling
I setup Beckleys Tree service and David blew it off.
David broke every promise and marriage vow. Always said he wanted to work things out, but, never DID anything to make that happen, all talk. Blamed everything on me

I Filed divorce 6-16-20
Called me psycho
Said he didn’t love me
Said he hated me
Told me to get the fuck out of his life

Violated

David and I had planned on making pasta for dinner that night, it was a cold November night out and I was excited to spend time with him, to cuddle up and laugh and have a good evening. We were both in the kitchen, David was drinking, he started saying mean things to me and calling me names. When he drinks, I never know when that will happen, but, it is always sure to happen at some point. I attempted to calm him down, to talk to him, but that made no difference. I was a bitch, I was a miserable person, I sucked, I was an horrible person, on and on and on it went as he paced from the kitchen to the couch drinking and insulting me. I finally went into the bedroom and then to take a bath, just to try and get away from him. After my bath, I went back into the bedroom and laid on the bed. A short time later David came into the bedroom and crawled on top of me. I could smell the alcohol on his breath and he was still saying terrible things to me, he pinned my hands down on the bed and took my pants off. I told him that I did not want to have sex, but, he forced himself inside of me. He was rough with me, he just kept saying terrible things to me, calling me names, cunt, bitch, slut, etc. I told him to stop, I tried to get him off of me, but I couldn’t. He just kept having sex with me. He was so intoxicated that he seemed to not even be there.

After it happened, I went back into the bathroom and took another bath. I couldn’t believe what he had done to me, I did not know what to do. Was it rape? We were dating. I did not know. I thought about calling the cops, but, I didn’t and I told myself it was okay. I sat in the bath for a long time. I was hoping he fell asleep and I did not want to talk to him. I was hurting so much. I was crushed. Should I report him? Is it a crime? What just happened? He was drunk, does it matter? I did not want to get him into criminal trouble. I just sat in the bathtub and cried. I waited along while before going back into the bedroom, when I did he was passed out and snoring. I crawled into bed, in the morning he got up and ready for work and he did not say anything about what happened to me. He left for work as though nothing had happened. I tried a few times to bring it up and talk about it with him, but, he called me a liar and a slut and shut down the conversation quickly. I have been carrying this around, trying to convince myself that it was okay and that what I thought happened was wrong. It has been a long time since this night. David and I have gotten married and I have tried to put this evening behind me and go forward, because I loved him. But, I can’t forget it and though I have questioned whether it was rape or not, IT WAS. Even if I am in a relationship with someone it does not give them the right to violate me and to ignore the fact about what they did. It is time to get this event off of my chest and try and let it go. David has the ability to be charming, but he is very dangerous and he has a major drinking problem. He assaulted his buddy last December and left him with permanent injuries, he does not have a clear memory of that either. Being silent about this only served to destroy me more. What he did to me will never be undone.

Lima, MT to Grand Teton National Park, WY on the Great Divide!

After a much needed day off in Lima (I called it Lima Bean) I headed out for a 57 mile day which would end with meeting the Denver boys at Upper Lake Campground in the Red Rocks National Wildlife Refuge. It was pretty easy riding that day, however, my body was still wiped from the 81 mile day into Lima. I arrived late afternoon and the boys were already there, sitting in the shade at a picnic table. I remember eating a ton of food, talking about food we wished we had and enjoying the cold water from the piped spring at the campground.

Leaving Upper Lake Campground, I left before the boys and headed for the Idaho border. I was ready to be out of Montana and into a new state. Afterall, Montana was over 700 miles and it seemed at times as though I was never leaving that state. So I was really looking forward to riding into Idaho and feeling like I was making progress. At about 12.8 miles from camp after summiting Red Rocks Pass I entered into Idaho and the Caribou-Targhee National Forest. Yay!!! Idaho!! I rode for another 18 or so miles and stopped at highway 20. A few miles before stopping at the highway the route took me through an amazing section of trail winding aspens and flowers, it was absolutely beautiful and peaceful and oh the smells, the smells of the forest. The smells are so good for my soul. At the highway, the boys caught up to me and we all rode down the highway into Mack’s Inn and went straight for the Mexican restaurant. We ate a lot. Then we decided to go live it up at the Marriott for the night and watch scary movies and of course, eat more. There we were dirtbag filthy bikers in the fancy clean Marriott lobby, it was a hilarious site to see. We enjoyed our evening there and in the morning against our best judgment and the advice of my mother to stay another night, we headed out in the sub 40 degree pouring rain 🌧 the route followed an old rail way and it was, well, it was not fun. The bumps, the rain, the cold, the washboards, holy moly!!!!! My fingers burned all day from being so cold and I was soaked. When I arrived at Warm River-it’s not warm :)- the boys had taken over the group campsite and awning picnic area and looked just as defeated and cold as I was. We unpacked everything and laid it out on the covered picnic tables to dry. It was so cold!!!! We decided to get wood from the camp host to build a fire, which is something that is rare, but on that night, we needed a fire to warm up and lift our spirits. On the way to the camp hosts site we were offered chocolate cake from a couple I had met right before I got to the campground. Chocolate cake!!!! We happily took the cake and began chatting with them. I noticed the women’s bike and I fell in love with it. That’s where my bike addiction will start, that exact moment of thinking and planning on having more than one bike. Not good. Ugh! After chatting with the couple and exchanging stories and such we made it to the camp hosts site and bought a bundle of wood. We returned to camp, cooked dinner, built a fire and boiled water to put in our water bottles inside our sleeping bags to keep us warm. It was a cold cold 🥶 night at Warm River! But as always camped with the Denver boys made the sucky times a little easier and better.

In the morning, I left and headed towards Flagg Ranch about 47 miles, the air was freezing in the first hours of the day, but the scenery was beautiful. Riding Ashton Flagg Ranch Road was awesome. So pretty! Grassy Lakes reservoir was crystal clear and the colors throughout the day were brilliant. I arrived at Flagg Ranch in the afternoon and planned on camping there until I found out how ridiculously expensive it was to stay there. I waited for the boys to get there and we ordered food, bought snacks and decided to ride another mile to different campground down the road that wasn’t going to charge us $82 to pitch three tents. When we got to the campsite this guy and his son welcomed us into their campsite and we setup there. As if that wasn’t kind enough of him, he offered to take us into Yellowstone to see Old Faithful. We took him up on his offer and went along for a night I’ll never forget. We saw old faithful, Grand and a few other geysers erupt under the stars. Pretty rad! It was a late night, but, so worth it. The kindness from strangers is just so amazing and it’s what makes this journey what it is. That night I started having bad pain in my legs, achy, painful, annoying sensations that made it hard for me to sleep.

The next day, I left early as always. I knew I only had 16 miles into Colter Bay, WY, but the pain in my legs became worse and I couldn’t even pedal, it was so bad. I didn’t know what to do. I hadn’t experienced that sort of constant pain in my legs before. Those 16 miles into Colter Bay seemed to never end. At that point on the route, those were some of the hardest miles for me due to the pain. I walked a lot of it. The redeeming part of that section was finally getting to see the Tetons. When I arrived at Colter Bay the boys had already secured a cabin. I told the boys about my leg pain and Zach suggested maybe I was low in salt, he gave me a salt pill and we took the rest of the day off. The salt pill did in fact help with the leg pain and I realized I was going to have to pay closer attention to my electrolyte intake so this pain wouldn’t become an issue again. The amount of tourists was a tad too much for me, but I needed the rest, I needed to do laundry and resupply so it was what it was.

The following morning, I left Colter Bay and headed into Grand Teton National Park. A few miles before the park, I met this photographer and we talked for awhile. He gave me water and a Coke and snapped a few pictures of me- it’s hard to get pictures of yourself when traveling alone, so I’m always happy when I have someone willing to take a few pictures of me. Proof I’m actually doing what I say I am 🙂 after riding into the national park I saw signs stating there were grizzlies in the area and to stay in your car. A few minutes later I saw a group of people on the side of the road, I then looked to my left and saw two grizzly cubs playing in the trees. I got off my bike and moved further off the road. Then, there the two cubs came, out of the trees onto the road and then came mama grizzly. All three crossing the road right in front of my bike. They were so beautiful 😍 what a special experience that was. I could watch them for hours but wanted to be respectful and let them be and continued on with my day. To be continued…..