Violated

David and I had planned on making pasta for dinner that night, it was a cold November night out and I was excited to spend time with him, to cuddle up and laugh and have a good evening. We were both in the kitchen, David was drinking, he started saying mean things to me and calling me names. When he drinks, I never know when that will happen, but, it is always sure to happen at some point. I attempted to calm him down, to talk to him, but that made no difference. I was a bitch, I was a miserable person, I sucked, I was an horrible person, on and on and on it went as he paced from the kitchen to the couch drinking and insulting me. I finally went into the bedroom and then to take a bath, just to try and get away from him. After my bath, I went back into the bedroom and laid on the bed. A short time later David came into the bedroom and crawled on top of me. I could smell the alcohol on his breath and he was still saying terrible things to me, he pinned my hands down on the bed and took my pants off. I told him that I did not want to have sex, but, he forced himself inside of me. He was rough with me, he just kept saying terrible things to me, calling me names, cunt, bitch, slut, etc. I told him to stop, I tried to get him off of me, but I couldn’t. He just kept having sex with me. He was so intoxicated that he seemed to not even be there.

After it happened, I went back into the bathroom and took another bath. I couldn’t believe what he had done to me, I did not know what to do. Was it rape? We were dating. I did not know. I thought about calling the cops, but, I didn’t and I told myself it was okay. I sat in the bath for a long time. I was hoping he fell asleep and I did not want to talk to him. I was hurting so much. I was crushed. Should I report him? Is it a crime? What just happened? He was drunk, does it matter? I did not want to get him into criminal trouble. I just sat in the bathtub and cried. I waited along while before going back into the bedroom, when I did he was passed out and snoring. I crawled into bed, in the morning he got up and ready for work and he did not say anything about what happened to me. He left for work as though nothing had happened. I tried a few times to bring it up and talk about it with him, but, he called me a liar and a slut and shut down the conversation quickly. I have been carrying this around, trying to convince myself that it was okay and that what I thought happened was wrong. It has been a long time since this night. David and I have gotten married and I have tried to put this evening behind me and go forward, because I loved him. But, I can’t forget it and though I have questioned whether it was rape or not, IT WAS. Even if I am in a relationship with someone it does not give them the right to violate me and to ignore the fact about what they did. It is time to get this event off of my chest and try and let it go. David has the ability to be charming, but he is very dangerous and he has a major drinking problem. He assaulted his buddy last December and left him with permanent injuries, he does not have a clear memory of that either. Being silent about this only served to destroy me more. What he did to me will never be undone.

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