DAVID Isaiah Beckley

Today when I woke up and got ready for my day, I did not put on my wedding ring. I knew I was filing for a divorce today and so there was no need for my ring. I went to the courthouse by myself, as I filled out the paperwork my hands were shaking, my heart rate was high, my heart ached, my brain was roller coasting through every thought and memory related to him. One memory in particular stands out, last year when my sister, Martha, passed away; David refused to attend the funeral with me. He told me I was on my own, that it was a family matter and to leave him out of it. He called me a fucking psycho for expecting him to come to the funeral with me. I attended her funeral without him, the grief from losing her made me blind to how terrible and hurtful his behavior was. Even while I was home for her funeral he continued his terrible text messages and name calling. On the day I buried my sister he again called me a fucking psycho for trying to reach out to him via text. For the last 11 months I have been trying to make sense out of his cruelness towards me during that time. But, you see, it isn’t just that one bad time. David thrived on hurting me, making me feel worthless, unimportant, and alone. David routniely called me names such as a fucking cunt, bitch, worthless, pathetic, ugly, fat, lazy, and crazy. I began to feel as though I was all of those horrible things he said I was. I started to feel like a miserable person and bad person, like everything was my fault because that is what he told me. But, I am none of those things and I allowed him to rob me of my courage, strength and happiness. I let him hurt me because I was too scared to leave and because I rarely ever truly stood up for myself. I am the girl who can walk across the country by herself, hang from ledges in the Grand Canyon, help animals in need, make people laugh, but, for some reason I could not stand up to him. I could not see clearly enough to leave. I endured his constant threats of divorcing me, his punishment of ignoring me for weeks and sometimes months at a time if I did something wrong, his drinking and broken promises of getting sober. I let him intimidate me, abandon me, mock me, call me terrible names, break my possessions, threaten me, sexually and physical assault me. I let him take the best parts of who I was and I watched as he suffocated them. Dealing with grief from losing Martha has taken a huge toll on me physically and mentally and then adding the stress from our marriage on top of that became too much for me. I decided to take my life back, I decided to talk about what he did and how much he hurt me because I feel as though it is an important part of of the healing process. With all of that said, I can be a difficult, selfish, unfriendly person at times, and that somehow made me believe that I deserved his abuse, that if for example I just didn’t have a pissy tone with him that he wouldn’t have called me a cunt or ignored me for weeks. But that is flawed logic, because nothing I have done wrong has ever warranted any of his abuse. The problem is NOT me. Somewhere deep down I have always known that, but, admitting it and taking action is hard, it is hard to divorce your husband, it is hard to feel alone, to feel unsure. Despite that, today, I had to take action, I had to stand up and tell him that I was leaving him. That I will no longer allow his abuse to destroy who I am. That I was going to be my own rescue boat and sail far away. That I had a life to live, I just needed to remember who I was, to remember how strong I was and what adventures I had left. So I filed for divorce, took the paperwork to the Sheriff to have him served and drove home. I swear as I was driving home I saw Martha smile and give me a thumbs up. Before she passed she encouraged me to divorce him, but I didn’t listen. She always said, don’t let anyone treat you as though you are free salsa, because baby, you are guacamole 🙂 I finally took her wise advise.

5 thoughts on “DAVID Isaiah Beckley

  1. Good for you. You took your power and you used it to free yourself. It may be rough for a while but you are on the right path for you. Take care of yourself.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Keep walking. It’s the only way. I’ve been there. Don’t glance back. When my big sister was dying I was in an abusive relationship. Same behavior. I hitch hiked Europe at 19 by myself and had done all kinds of strong actions. It took my sister dying to give me courage to walk away.
    They insinuate themselves, slide through the cracks into our lives. Big hugs

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Keep walking. It’s the only way. I’ve been there. Don’t glance back. When my big sister was dying I was in an abusive relationship. Same behavior. I hitch hiked Europe at 19 by myself and had done all kinds of strong actions. It took my sister dying to give me courage to walk away.
    They insinuate themselves, slide through the cracks into our lives. Big hugs

    Like

  4. Sorry for what you’re going through but I have to tell you I am much older than you and went through the same exact scenario you are not weak or stupid for trying to hang in there and make things work that’s what we do because we are normal humans
    They on the other hand are psychopaths, sociopaths whatever you wanna call it it’s all about them and you would never be able to change how they are! So you wasted a little time learning a lesson but it wasn’t wasting time it was learning about this sort of person and their personality disorder not yours. Now go live your beautiful life, he was jealous of all you have accomplished and all you had dreams of doing so go do your dreams girl!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I love what your friend Lisa Llod said. She is spot on and I agree with her 100%. You are truly an amazing woman!! I am so very proud of you. I knew you had it in you, you just had to come to that conclusion yourself. WOW! It makes me both happy and sad reading your story. Now you have the whole world open to you! You’re FREE!!! Now let’s go buy you a horse!! Beats the hell out of a piece of shit husband!!

    Liked by 1 person

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