Today, was a difficult day. While running this morning I found myself falling on the ground and crying. I completely collapsed. I completely lost it. It happened just after the song, Life Ain’t Always Beautiful by Gary Allen came on my iPod. The lyrics to that song ran me over like a train and every emotion that embodies grief flooded my body. There I was sitting in the shade on the side of a trail with my dog unable to get up, or think clearly, or change the song. I was a mess. I listened to that damn song over and over. I hated the lyrics because it made me think of Martha and how I wished she was there, how I missed her, but, I also loved the song. I thought about how I was so upset that she no longer appeared in my dreams at night, I thought about her recent birthday and how I missed talking to her, laughing with her, having her call me when she was going to the bathroom and how she always had something funny to say. I thought about what life means without her, how life can even continue in her absence and how time since her passing has just moved along. These days I feel as though my grief is getting worse, it is getting more intense as the days go on. Somedays I have absolutely no relief from the force of grief. I am angry, I am so damn angry that she is no longer here. I do not understand how life can just continue without her because there is this overwhelming feeling of something missing, like a vital organ. I feel like a vital part of who I am is missing, so it is hard grasp that live just goes on, that time goes on without her.
Life ain’t always beautiful. Sometimes it’s just plain hard. Life can knock you down, it can break your heart. Life ain’t always beautiful. You think you’re on your way. And it’s just a dead end road at the end of the day. But the struggle makes you stronger. And the changes makes you wise. And happiness has it’s own way of takin’ it’s sweet time. No, life ain’t always beautiful. Tears will fall sometimes. Life ain’t always beautiful. But it’s a beautiful ride. Life ain’t always beautiful. Some days I miss your smile. I get tired of walkin’ all these lonely miles. And I wish for just one minute I could see your pretty face. Guess I can dream, but life don’t work that way. But the struggles make you stronger. And the changes make you wise. And happiness has it’s own way of takin’ it’s sweet time. No, life ain’t always beautiful. But I know I’ll be fine. Hey, life ain’t always beautiful. But it’s a beautiful ride. What a beautiful ride.
I just kept listening to that song, and after about 20 minutes of doing so and throwing pine cones and rocks across the trail, I got up and ran back home. I tried to go about my day and let the grief go for awhile, but it didn’t really work. All day I felt prisoner to my grief. I felt angry and sad and then angry again. Now, I just feel angry. I miss my little sister more than words can describe, I ache for connection with her. Life is so very different with her gone, it feels less special and more dull, it feels like someone took the sparkle out of my life. I just hope and pray that one day life will feel more manageable and that I will feel more in control of my grief. But, losing someone you love is never easy and it’s a process of good days and bad days with no end date. So, maybe it’s okay to collapse while running sometimes and let the process happen with no judgement on yourself.