A Journey Through Grief!

This is the first time I have written in quite some time, this past July, my little sister Martha passed away. To date it is the most painful thing I have ever experienced. It is a daily rollercoaster of every single human emotion. It has impacted me in ways that I cannot describe. The pain of losing her stings like an open wound, it radiates pain throughout my entire body. Sometimes every possible emotion slams into me all at once without any warning, sometimes I am slammed by each emotion, one at a time: Sadness, anger, confusion, regret, frustration, love, fear, loneliness, hope, joy, fatigue, and so many others. Grief is suffocating, it is brutal, it sucks. It really sucks. But, there is beauty in grief, because it means without a doubt that you LOVED. I have days where I still dial her number or check Facebook to see if she is there. I have days when I swear I can feel her there, or moments when I know for sure exactly what she would say. I have days when I can look at pictures of her and smile and then I also days when I cannot bare to see any pictures. I have days where I feel like I am okay, like it’ll be okay, but, then those days are interrupted by the violent waves of grief, and I am slammed down and reminded that she is gone. My brain knows she is not here anymore, I helped carry her casket from the funeral to the gravesite. I saw her lying in the casket lifeless. I have sat in her room at my parents house for hours remembering the times we had, remembering our laughs and secrets. But, grief is a tricky messy thing and it does play tricks on you and because of that I sometimes feel as though it cannot possibly be true that she is gone. Those are the hardest days. I believe grief is one of the most difficult human journeys because it encompasses so much, it surprises you, it scares you, it hurts, it makes you smile and cry, it makes you want to pull all of your hair out and scream, it makes you question life, question everything. So the journey for me is only just starting even though its been 7 or so months, I think it will be a lifetime journey, so I will write about it, I will write about it so that I can process it and so that maybe others can also benefit from my experience. My friends have been asking me why I haven’t been writing because its almost been three years since I have posted a blog entry. I guess life can get in the way and it has kept me from writing, but, I need to write, so I have started a new blog. I do not know where the journey of grief will take me, but I do know that I will be writing about it and about my adventures along the way which are my greatest therapy to deal with the complexities and stresses of life. So heres to Martha Perry, at her funeral I was too upset to give a proper eulogy. I stood up there and just cried, I said a few things, but I can’t even remember what I said because I was too heartbroken. I wish I had said this, Martha was my very best friend, she always gave me solid advice, she was sometimes a pain in the butt, but, she loved all of us so much, she loved life, she loved Grant her son, she loved the color pink, I love lucy, flowers, arts and crafty things, trinkets, and laughing. She was my idea of coming home, she made my life better because she was my little sister and because she was always on my side and always there for me. Words cannot express how much I miss her and how life will be forever that much sadder. She was a wonderful, difficult, loving person who brought so much joy to my life. So, heres to Martha, to her life and to the journey that lies ahead.

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